How long will I remain somber? My outlook on life has now changed. To look around and watch the world unfold before my eyes; peoples lives unknowingly interwoven, like a great carpet stretching over the world. I have completely forgotten the pain of my divorce and loneliness. It has been overshadowed by the horrific realization of how precious life is, and how fragile; able to be taken away; pulled like a broken thread in a carpet. Once pulled, the number of lives touched becomes visible as a dark hole opens revealing the intricate connections between them.

A spiritual person would say "It was God's will". I'm not in the market to buy that line. I've never been quite sure what I am in that regards. But what I do say is that it wasn't right. If only for all the possible lives that won't be brightened by her smile. It wasn't right. If it was God's will, then maybe he can update his blog with the reason(s) he had. Or, maybe he has no reasons and it is his way of playing a joke on somebody. Or, he has a magic 8-ball up there he's using to decide.

My opinion, however, is that Chaos chose. Chaos rules here. Fate is dead. Faith that a loving higher being exists is obviously in vain. Otherwise, 2992 people would not have ever had to worry for their lives September 11, 2001. Otherwise, there would be no fighting for religious purposes. If there were a higher existence in control of our lives, the fighting would never have occurred because this higher being "should" be able to maintain control over us.

Within the chaos that we lie
waiting for our turn in line
hoping the day will never come
but it does and then we lie.

From my state of emotions I feel from hearing about Layla, it occurs to me that she touched me, if only a little.

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helps. Yes, letting out the emotion has given way to some amount of peace. The more I let out, the shorter and shorter the burst last. Maybe they will fade. With that fading, I hope to be able to interact with the ex better. Also, talking with others, especially strangers (amazingly enough) helps, too. They share their past experiences and you realize that you are not alone, this (or something like it) has happened to someone else, and they are pulling through just fine.

Repeat after me:
- I will be fine.
- I will be fine.
- I will be fine.
- I am fine.
- I am fine.
- I am fine.
- I do not care about the hurt, because I will be fine.
- I do not care about the hurt, because I will be fine.
- I do not care about the hurt, because it makes me stronger.
- I do not care about the hurt, because it won't last.
- The hurt is gone.
- The hurt is gone.
- The hurt is gone.

There is only one problem with this. When the hurt goes, so does a little of everything else. But it will rebuild over time.

Is love enough? Appearantly not. But, then, neither is communication, cooperation, interaction, agreement, disagreement, support, laughter, sorrow, selflessness, compassion, guilt, honor, friendliness, contentment, or amusement. What is enough? Nothing. Suprised? You shouldn't be. That's life. Nothing will ever be enough. You have to live in the moment, as each moment only lasts fractions of a second and is then gone, only to be remembered later.

She did admit to loving him, so there you have it. That should be a slap in my face to wakeup to reality and move on. But I'm just having so much trouble doing that. So I am going with the only thing I can think of: move her stuff out. But, "her" stuff was also "our" stuff. It felt good filling the boxes and putting them in the other room. Now the walls are mostly barren. And I'm sad because she is more gone now. And I'm happy because I feel that I've let go. But I'm sad because she is more gone now.

How does one move on from such a situation. Originally, I was going to the Castle so I could check it out and maybe see new people. But my primary reason was so I could get out of the house and get away from all the stuff that reminded me of what I don't have anymore. Sure, we had good times together. And I liked those. But those happy times are gone and aren't coming back. Why should I be happy about that? Can I remember the good times? Sure. The good times are played back like old videos on a TV. But without warning the TV explodes and the glass framents tear me apart and I know I won't have those good times again.

Occassionally I have been feeling depressed. Not suprising considering my issues separating from my ex. Got a sinus infection that spread to my throat this week. On antibiotics now. Did some crying on Wednesday, so much so that I couldn't even go into work. That probably did not help the sinus/throat thing.

Things got better. The crying was with my ex. She was at my place moving stuff and we talked and we broke down. I'm sorry. I am missing every little thing about her being around that is now gone. She is certain things still haven't changed. She is sad I am sad. Me too. (yeah, that's open-ended, but applies overall).

At some point, I'm going to get over all this and not let it run my life. We agree that we have grown as people. There is just so many things of her still here, but that will soon be gone. I don't know if I miss the company, the presence, the noise, the small talk, the cuddling, or all of the above. I believe that she misses these things, too, but she has another to give her these (well, 1 other, 1 potential other AFIK). I do not, so I feel slightly resentful sometimes. I want to have someone to be with, I want to has someone to go to dinner with, sit and stare blanking at, watch Law and Order or SG1, discuss the merits of thin-crust vs thick crust pizza. I can talk with Nichu (my cat), but the conversations are a little one-sided. She isn't much for pizza and restaurants frown upon bringing in animals. She is very shy anyway and the noise and people in a restaurant would probably kill her.

Turmoil is my gift to myself.

completely mistaken. My timeline for how things have occurred in my life has been extremely skewed. Per my ex, we discussed divorce in February. I don't remember it being that long back. Maybe I was on another planet. I thought it was much more recently.

Due to this simple fact, I do not wish to cloud anyone with undeserved feelings regarding my ex. None of this is her fault, as we agreed to this after talking about it. I should have began my separation and movement in February, no now. My heart wasn't ready to let go. I'm still not, but I have to. The issues we have regarding our understandings haven't changed in her eyes. I do not know anymore. I am blinded by my despair now. If I could remember the exact issues, I would list them, but I cannot. They aren't important to me right now.

It saddens me to know that we have tried communicating more in the last few months than the last few years, at least with regards to our feelings. Why? I don't know.

I need to just give up. There is no point putting my feelings down here for others to see. I feel it only makes things tougher for everyone involved. So, with that, I create this other journal, which is not as easily visible.